


Speak With the Dead

by FullMetamorphosis



Series: The Empire's Weapon [2]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Accidental Kissing, Anger, Anger Management, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 09:31:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14053986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullMetamorphosis/pseuds/FullMetamorphosis
Summary: “Please. I know what I saw earlier. I know I saw you. Dammit, I know you sensed me. You sensed everything. You figured out how fucking unhappy I was, and you came to check on me, because I’m the Commander and I have no time to be miserable when my enemies are out there, right? Dammit! I was a weapon. The Empire’s Weapon. I’ve had so many damn titles but all I feel is just my own damn name. Just … Eden.”A whimper starts in my throat, and I clasp my lips together to try and hide the noise. I curl up entirely, face down and hands around my legs.“Dammit, Marr.”





	1. Chapter 1

Her scent isn’t here.

I had been sleepy moments, ago, barely opening my eyes, but now they fly wide, even if I can’t see anything but her pillow. My arms are wrapped around it, my nose buried in the fabric, but there’s no scent of her. No scent of woody smoke and spice, not even the scent of lavender and herbals. Nothing. Just the old tang of last’s night sweat, when I’d been tossing and turning from old nightmares that continued to plague me through the months.

I’d grown used to waking up without Lana, or falling asleep before she came to bed.

But this is the first time she hasn’t even  _slept_  here.

_Lana? Where are you?_

I reach out with my mind, words strained, lungs tight. Even though our connection is so close, she seems so distant, and following it to its end just places me in the web of our base underground. My heart squeezes with panic. I sit up suddenly, hair flying over my face as I desperately try to reach her.

_Lana! What’s going on?!_

Silence. I dig my fingers into the sheets. I hold my breath.

She answers.

_I’m sorry, love … I spent all night working on decoding the map. Trying to find Theron._

My hands go loose. My shoulders, hunched before, slowly fall. I look up to the wall and stare. I’m … lost.

_Are you alright, Commander?_

_I … yeah. I’m fine_ , I answer. I don’t let her say anything more - for the first time in ages, I drop a wall down through our connection, blocking her from reading my mind.

I lie back down on the empty bed and cry into the covers.


	2. Chapter 2

“Aric is still having trouble with the second squad and their drills, but I’m planning on going down today and settling the soldiers down. Typical of Kaliyo to spread a rumor about him like this, given how little they get along, but I should be able to squash it. Hylo wants to look over some of our treasury records too, but I don’t know much about those. Lana asked me to take care of something with Sanarae, but I have no idea what to do about that. And then there’s the Republican soliders who are still- …Commander, you aren’t listening.”

“What?”

My question comes out in a breath, and I look up to Torian with a missed beat. We’re sitting on a bench outside the cantina, taking in Odessan’s morning air. He isn’t in his usual beskar today, just a plain shirt and slacks, but he’s also carrying a series of folders, probably one for every project he’s meaning to tackle today. But despite the stack, and his concerns, I’m struggling to listen. I suppose it’s obvious. The weather’s nice, but the inside of my mind is just a typhoon I can’t quell. And Torian isn’t dumb.

“Something happened this morning.”

“Ah, no, nothing in particular,” I answer, turning away to rub at my eyes. They’ve been bothering me since crying this morning. I must’ve gotten some sweat from the sheets in my eyes.

“You can’t meet my eyes. Isn’t honesty the first step to a working relationship?”

“I am being honest,” I shoot back, “I’m fine. Just a little messed up.”

“Those aren’t the same things.”

“Lana didn’t come to bed last night, is all. It’s a first. She said she was up all night looking for Theron’s next location.”

“Ah.”

We’re silent for a long time. I cross my arms and look down into my lap. I’m dressed simply too - my turtleneck and pants, and my belted lightsabers - but I feel too bare. The wind is chilly. I wish I had a jumper.

“The last time I woke up alone when I shouldn’t have,” Torian muses, “Was the surprise attack on Odessan. I’d fallen asleep in the barracks. Everybody had run out and forgot to wake me.”

“The Battle of Odessan. Huh.” I don’t look up. Instead, I just sigh.

“Maybe you need to take the day off. You look like you’re weighed down,” he says, a hand to my shoulder. It’s reassuring weight, but it reminds me of the weight of everything else. The Republic and Empire at war. The mysterious cult and the superweapon it was hunting down. Theron. Lana. And the broken circuits in my own head, still empty of the cybernetics I’d broken back on Copero. Oggurobb hadn’t repaired them yet.

“I’ll be fine,” I answer with a shrug. “Carry on like always, after all.”

“I’m your adviser, right? Then I’m advising you to take the day off.”

“I veto your advisement. I’m fine.”

“Do I have to go find Lana and talk with her?”

“No! Sith’s hell, I’m already trying to keep her out of my head!” I cast him a half-glare. “Torian, you suck.”

“You’re the one being stubborn here.”

I sigh. I’m still so tired, and he’s not wearing his armor after all, so I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. He doesn’t stop me. Just puts his hand on my other arm and holds me in an awkward half-hug, just waiting for me to pick myself up and  _feel better, dammit_.

I couldn’t stay in this slump for long. My Alliance  _needs_  me.

I see a glint of something out of the corner of my eye, and look to it - but it disappears. I start. Was that- a shock of transparent red-?

“Commander?”

“Yeah, I- you know what? I’ll consider it. The break. Thing,” I pull back and stand up, looking at where I thought I’d seen the apparition. “Torian, I have utter faith in your capabilities. If you need advice, ask Lana. There’s … something I need to look into.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just … going to go take a walk. I won’t be far,” I answer. I hear a non-committal grunt behind me and take it as a good sign. I ball up my hands, and start walking towards the path that leads into the wilds.


	3. Chapter 3

It takes a long time to get away from everything. Many many miles before the sense of people disappeared, and I was alone in the forest. There used to be a time where escaping the sense of people had been easy, almost too much so - now it felt like an impossibility. Hundreds, if not thousands, of people thinking about me, looking for me, considering me in that little base I’d come to call akin to home. So many, and to think that it ever became overwhelming would be an understatement. Even if I’d spent years with those people.

I stick to the wild parts of the forest, the places untamed by human hands. Many parts of Odessan were still trying to regrow over the scars that had been left by Vaylin months past. Watching the life struggle to take hold was troublesome, enough so that I’d assembled a team to try and help direct the Force to where the damage was the worst, but I fear that the planet may never heal. Even though Vaylin’s promised to try and help as soon as she’s stable, the battle against her own mind takes its toll. I visit her in the medbay every few days, but lately she’s been either unconscious, or struggling against psychosis and raving madness.

It’s hard to watch. Like watching a foil of myself, or more accurately, what I could become.

No. No, thinking about that’s not why I came out here. Thinking about  _anything_  was what I was trying to avoid. At least until I could find him.

 _Him_.

I’m surprised to find myself standing in the same spot where Satele Shan’s ship had once rested. The area’s grown over now, having the better part of a year and a half to recover. Still, I see subtle signs of her work still remaining. Firewood built up against the side of a rock. The permanent burn against the forest floor where a fire had once rested. Carefully balance slabs of marble resting nearby the riverbank. I go to the slabs and sit down on one, keeping my balance, but I don’t pull my legs up for meditation. I lean down and pull my boots off my feet, one by one, and sink my toes into the water. I let the current run over my feet, and I sit back and try to relax.

He’s late.

“’Being late by even a second is a second that could lead to death’. You told me that, right?”

Still, no answer.

I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. I press my face against my hands. Unwillingly, I feel furious tears bead up in my eyes.

“ _Please_. I know what I saw earlier. I know I saw  _you_. Dammit, I know you sensed me. You sensed everything. You figured out how fucking unhappy I was, and you came to check on me, because I’m the  _Commander_  and I have no time to be miserable when my enemies are out there, right? Dammit! I was a  _weapon_. The Empire’s Weapon. I’ve had so many damn titles but all I feel is just my own damn name. Just …  _Eden_.”

A whimper starts in my throat, and I clasp my lips together to try and hide the noise. I curl up entirely, face down and hands around my legs.

“ _Dammit, Marr_.”

I sense the coalition of the Force around me, and then in front, and I look up to see his spirit apparating, standing shin-deep in the river, watching me with hands folded behind his back. Familiar and almost welcoming.

“ _I had the feeling_ ,” He said, “ _That you were calling for me_.”

The line of my mouth wavers, and I finally give in. I grab fistfuls of my hair and cry into my knees.


	4. Chapter 4

“I just thought it was going to get easier when the war was over. Like if I just stopped Arcann and Vaylin, that I could go back to the life I’d led before. But that never happened. I stayed with the Alliance, as their Commander. I remained on Odessan and promised to devote myself to our cause of galactic balance. I took the neutral road between the Republic and the Empire. And ever since, I’ve been fighting something or other. The two largest coalitions in the galaxy. A cult called from the depths of Wild Space to return to the axes of Vitiate. My own partner either undercover or turned traitor,” I sigh and look up at the sky. “I’m so lost, Marr. Cliche as it sounds, when you died everything changed.”

“ _This isn’t a fate you were meant to avoid_ ,” he tells me from across the fire I’d built, if only because it’s a cool day and evening is beginning to fall. “ _You knew you were destined for greater things, Eden. That’s why you came to the Empire_.”

“But that’s not the  _real_  reason. I went to the Empire to escape abuse. You know that. And then you helped me come to terms with it. That, I’m fine with. What I’m  _not_  fine with is being Commander of an Alliance I didn’t build alone, and leading a movement that only began because the man that had imprisoned me wouldn’t leave me be. And now I’m partnered to my old advisers, I’m mentor to so many, a figurehead-” I shake my head. “I didn’t ask for this. I was never ready for this.”

“ _You were never going to be. Yet, you were the one there to take those steps. Regardless of what you think, you were in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing. That is why you stand where you are_.”

“Or sit,” I try to joke. He doesn’t respond - no surprise. I shrug, and look away from him, back to the river. “I wonder if I even want this anymore,” I say softly. “I have so much more that I want to investigate. So much exploration about my own past. So much I need to know about my own relationships.”

“ _You’re still doubting that much_?”

“Marr,” I ask, looking to him and looking him straight in the visor, “You knew that I was the one who killed the Emperor, didn’t you?”

He doesn’t answer. I put a hand to my head.

“Valkorion told me I had. Showed me his memory of it. But it’s all a blur to me. I don’t remember it at all. I had heard the Order took him out, but that was a lie, wasn’t it? The Dark Council lied.”

He still doesn’t answer.

“If it was just that, I’d be fine,” I insist. “But that’s not the only thing either. When I think about Lana and Theron, I just sort of realize …” I look down to my feet. “The two of them love each other. Deeply. But they’re only with  _me_ ,” I finish, “Because I was being  _selfish_. It’s not a real relationship. They’re just trying to act like they’re all over me like they were all over each other.”

“ _You assume I have advice_?” he asks. I think I hear him snort. “ _I would better answer the specifics of a planet I’ve never seen_.”

“Oh really?” I raise a brow at him. “That’s not what your little trysts with Vowrawn would suggest. I’ll just have to ask him when he visits in the next few days.”

That, he  _really_  doesn’t answer. Not that I expected him to; I already knew enough.

Getting this off my chest is good and all, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Sunset is falling, to be followed by dusk. I look into the fire, watching it crackle and burn in dances of reds and oranges. “It’s those two things,” I say, “And the fact that I’m Commander. If those would just …  _not be a big deal_ , I’d be fine. But they are.”

“ _Then what would you change_ ,” he asks, “ _If you could choose a single thing_?”

I look up at him again, and I speak without an ounce of hesitation.

“I would pass on my duties as Commander, and I’d leave Odessan.”

He hums, as if unsatisfied. It’s shirking responsibilities, I know, but I’m thirty-four years old and I know  _nothing_. I lost five years in carbonite, even more fighting Zakuul. Now I was only barely releasing the reins of Wild Space, and only dropping into another war. How many years was it that I had lost? Seven, eight? They’re too many to count now. And the longer I stay, the more I lose.

I need to know who I can trust. I need to gain my freedom. And more than anything, I need to know why I can’t remember slaying the Emperor on his own throne.

“ _Satele is calling_.”

I look up at him, and nod. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pulled you away. I didn’t realize that I was trying to drag you here - but it’s been a tough few weeks since Copero. And I need your support more than ever, even if you’re dead.”

“ _I will continue to support you and my Empire from beyond, Eden_ ,” he insists. “ _Death is not the end, young one. It’s only an alteration. I will be here when you need me_.”

I get to my feet and dust myself off. It’s getting dark, and my head’s pounding. I’ve barely eaten, and the walk back will be long. But I look back to Marr - my old master, the man who took me in when I was rotting from the Dark Side - and I give him a nod, and the most of a smile I can manage.

“Thank you, Master. For everything.”

He nods to me, and I think I feel a slip of emotion from him, something like pride. He disappears before I can realize that his pride is for  _me_.


	5. Chapter 5

The base is barely lit by the time I get there, just the lights that shone constantly in case of emergencies. The walk back hadn’t been that long, or so I’d thought - leaving the old campsite at dusk, I’d arrived back well into the night. Still not too late to catch the noise of the cantina as I arrived on the main threshold, but no - it wasn’t a good night for a drink. At least, not yet.

I walk into the elevator and make my way down to the war room. From there, I skirt all the equipment and head into the labs. The moment it comes into view, I see her: slumped over a machine, a wrench in her hand, fast asleep. Her cheek is pressed against the durasteel of the computer. She would almost look cute, if the exhaustion wasn’t so clear in her face.

I don’t want to let down my guard. It’s the first time in ages that I’ve felt the need to be guarded around her; the last time had been when Valkorion was still in my head, still trying to manipulate me. I’d kept her out for pure fear that he would try to latch onto her. I’d only been lying to myself.

Deep in sleep as she is, I know I need to wake her up. So I stand back, hands behind my back - and I drop the shield I’d set up this morning.

Her eyes flash open, and she starts so fast I think she might just faint again. I close the gap in an instant and hold her by the shoulders to keep her upright.

“Easy, Lana,” I say quietly, “Easy, don’t hurt yourse-”

“ _Nathema_.”

My heart goes cold.

“ _Darling, he’s headed to Nathema_.”

… Nathema.

I remember Nathema. That hellscape of death and decay, that isolation and endless rot that felt like it was eating me up from the inside, like the Force had abandoned me and left nothing but darkness to eat me up from the inside. I remember holding Lana’s hand as her anxiety suddenly broke and she had the first panic attack I’d ever seen from her. I remember being her pillar, and walking her through that place, and then carrying her out.

I remember doing all of that, and hiding the own fear that had overwhelmed my heart, and the hollow feeling of my own anxiety as Valkorion became so distant I couldn’t feel his influence over my mind.

 _That place_.

… I’d frozen for so long I hadn’t realized when Lana began crying.

“S-Sweetheart …” I shake myself awake and reach out, pulling her against me, but she’s still sobbing weakly, trying to keep it in. I curl my arms around her back and try to rub away some of the tension, the bare minimum I can think of to ease her mind. “Are you sure? We still haven’t mapped a whole ton of Wild Space, you know. Maybe- maybe it’s another planet, close to Nathema. We shouldn’t jump to conclusio-”

“It was dead on, absolutely  _dead on_  with our records of Wild Space. And it makes sense. We hardly got to see all of that vault. It must be  _there_ ,” she insists with another sob. “It’s that  _wretched planet again_.”

My heart squeezes painfully. This was the weakest I ever saw my love. On her knees, cradled in my arms, sobbing her heart out from pure fear. I recognized it so rarely, comforted her so rarely. And yet here she is, so warm against my body, scared because …

 _Theron’s there_.

I swallow down the lump that’s built up in my throat, and I blink back my tears.

I tighten my arms around her, and I force my voice to steady so hard it still sounds confident.

“It’s going to be just fine, Lana,” I tell her. “We’re going to make it work out. You, Torian, and I, we’re going to come up with a plan, and we’re going to send scouts on ahead as soon as we have a team set up, and we’ll make all the back-up plans we need. There won’t be any risks. I won’t let you be consumed by the void,” I promise, and I have to force myself to choke back every bit of bile I feel, and I spit it out.

“I’m going to bring Theron back for  _you_ , Lana. I promise.”


	6. Chapter 6

Lana’s in bed.

I carried her from the lab all the way to our room over the cantina. I took her into our rooms, I got her to eat something, and I put her under the covers. I sat on the edge of the bed and told her I was staying up a little late, that I had work to do, and then I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

“Don’t worry,” I promised her, “I’m bringing Theron back for you.”

And then I locked the door behind me … and I left the base again.

The oasis is quiet tonight. This late, everybody’s either at the cantina or in bed. There’s nobody around, but I don’t bother trying to get in. Instead, I take off my boots and sit by the edge, immersing my feet again. I sit there like that, letting my feet get warm in the springs, and I just … don’t think.

I force myself not to think.

I’ve never been good at meditation. It was one of the things the Jedi Order tried to stuff down my throat, and my mind was always too active to take to it, so I failed and failed and failed until I was convinced it was  _my_  fault for failing. The Empire had left it alone when I failed - so had Marr. But ever since breaking out of carbonite, it’s become something of a last resort. A way to try and centre myself when nothing else worked.

The meditation itself didn’t work so much as my opening to the Force. The Force always drew to me what I needed.

I’m so tired. The conversation with Marr keeps playing through my head again and again. My duties to my position. My lovers at odds. My memories that I can’t recall. Anybody with half a brain could find a way to manage these, couldn’t they? Shouldn’t I be able to handle this all on my own? But no. Instead, there was a war I couldn’t mediate, a boyfriend gone awol, and nothing but the words of one dead man and the confirmation from another that told me there was something missing. I can’t sit on it, any of it. I don’t have  _time_  to. Maybe if I was somebody like Satele Shan, or Darth Vowrawn, or-

“Commander.”

-or Torian  _fucking_  Cadera. I hadn’t sensed him sneaking up. I turn my head just enough to see him behind me, approaching from the path. I sigh, and close my eyes.

“You have a weird habit of finding me when I don’t want to be found, Torian. Are you sure you aren’t Force-sensitive?”

“Never had anybody find out. I doubt that I have any kind of connection,” he adds. He’s just …  _standing there_ , waiting for me to say something. Instead, I turn away. It’s not  _him_  that I want to talk to.

We’re silent, the both of us. The delicate tension feels like it’s going to snap within me. I don’t know how I can hold it together.

He speaks.

“Oggurobb and Lana found out where Theron is.”

I sigh. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t tell me. I already know. I’ve heard enough about Theron and Nathema and Lana and the whole fuckin’ mess of it today to last me a lifetime. Believe me, you weren’t the one that had to put a crying Sith to bed.”

“You sound mad.”

“You know what? Yeah, I’m  _fucking mad_. And not just angry. I’m fucking  _out of my goddamn mind_. Maybe Valkorion was right. I’m  _just like him_. Nothing but a fuckin’ manipulator. I make people do my bidding and I make people fall in love with me, and I kill Emperors in my spare time and oversee the galaxy’s greatest game of chess like I’m the fuckin’ gamemaster. Maybe somebody should’ve thought about giving me so much power, because  _clearly_  it isn’t working.”

“Commande-”

“What, are you going to tell me I’m  _wrong_ , Cadera? Are you going to tell me I’m making shit up?  _Go right ahead_. Not like everybody else in the world hasn’t had a chance yet.”

“You’re not making se-”

“ _I’m not here to be a person, Cadera._  It’s pretty fucking clear. You can’t even call me ‘Eden’ to my face, can you? You’re my best  _fucking friend_  and you can’t refer to me by anything other than a  _title_ ,” I’m shooting up from my place by the water’s edge and suddenly stomping towards him and grabbing him by the collar. I yank him so close I can see the wideness of his eyes, every hair on his brows. “Tell me, Cadera,” I hiss out, snarling, “Is this all I am to you? Am I your  _Commander_? Am I just your figurehead? Or does it mean anything to you when I tell you that I’m  _sick of it_?”

“ _Commander_ ,” he presses out, trying to grab me by my shoulders, “You’re freaking me out. You need to talk to me-”

“I SAID NOT TO USE THAT  _PFAASKING NAME_!” I shout, gripping his collar even tighter. I’m shouting in his face, I’m practically spitting with anger - it’s almost cathartic, to finally snap like this, like I used to when I was a  _weapon_. When I was of no more importance than as a tool, no thoughts or opinions to fuel me, just the need to watch a few more Republicans  _burn_. Well, if that was how it was going to be. I shove him back and clench my fists at my side. “ _Hit me, Cadera_.”

He staggers with his eyes going wide again. “What?!”

“ _I SAID TO FUCKING HIT ME_!” I roar at him. “OR IS MY PEDESTAL TOO FUCKING HIGH FOR YOU TO REACH?!”

They say never to goad a Mandalorian lest they take you into a fight. This time, it  _works_.

His fist slams me across the jaw so hard my teeth snap down on the inside of my cheek. I’m sent flying to one side, fighting to keep my footing as the taste of blood fills my mouth. I look up at him with another snarl. I spit the blood out to the side.

I leap at him like I’m going to devour him.

It’s a flurry of hands and fists, feet, elbows and knees. I can barely see around me, can only see his damnable face, teeth bared and brows drawn, sweat pouring down his cheeks and into those sharp scars of his. This close I can see the cool blue of his eyes; I aim for one and sock him so hard he’s sent stumbling again. I go to follow up and his fists find me in the stomach. I lurch forward and spit out more blood, still bleeding freely from my mouth.

I step back and catch his fists. He shoves forward and pins a foot against mine. Then, suddenly, he’s leaning into me and making me fall back.

We hit the water so hard I barely get the chance to hold my breath.

I’d entirely forgotten the oasis behind me; had lost my surroundings in the fight. The water had been hot when I’d been teasing my feet in it before, but with how aggravated my whole body is, it’s almost freezing. I can barely see anything, can only catch the glimpse of a strong jawline, a broken nose, blurry red, those damn blue eyes-

I’m brought up to the surface with a rush, and I gasp for air.

I’m blinking, sputtering, blinded by water in my eyes. I’m trying to grasp for air, trying to reach out and push everything away- but his hands are on my ribs, holding me against him. Holding me high enough that my flailing hits the air.

I stop, gasping for breath, and look down at him. His eyes have gone soft.

“ _Eden_. Stop struggling.”

My chest is swelling up. A sob breaks from my throat, and I reach down for him-

“YOU STUPID IDIOT!”

I slam my fists against his back, trying to keep the fight going, but he’s given up. No, not given up - pulling me down, pushing my head against his shoulder, keeping me flush to his body. I don’t care. I hit him as hard as I can, hard enough he’ll feel it in the morning, but I don’t care. I don’t  _care_.

“WHY WON’T YOU LET ME JUST FUCKING  _DO_  THIS?! WHY WON’T YOU JUST LET ME GIVE UP?!”

I’m sobbing wildly, my words going strained as I lose all sense of my voice. It’s nothing but streaks of tears, harsh breaths, my body going cold as the air around us chills. Nevertheless he holds me, muttering soft words in Mando’a, a language I’ll never know but can’t help but find the beauty in. I curse at him in every language I know, I scream and cry and try to drag him under with me. Still, he resists.

I pull back and look him in the face, my own very likely red, covered in tears. He holds me closer, and he looks at me evenly, and he doesn’t waver. His lashes are so blond. Scars pale, lips a pretty pink.

I make possibly the dumbest move I could’ve ever made.

I lean forward and kiss him full on the mouth.


	7. Chapter 7

“Well, there’s enough towels here for each of us, but not exactly enough for modesty. I promise not to look if you do.”

I don’t respond. I haven’t said a word since he pulled me out of the oasis. He’d seated me on a nearby log and went to check the stash of towels next to the waterfall, but I hadn’t even ditched my waterlogged clothes. At least my lightsabers weren’t with me, or they’d be toast.

Torian comes back with a towel over his shoulder, and another in his hand. He holds out the towel to me, but I don’t respond, not much. I quietly reach up to take it, but I end up moreover holding the towel than really pulling it away. I hear Torian sigh, and he kneels down in front of me.

“This was the reason I asked you to take a break, you know,” he says simply as he gives a preliminary tug to my shirt’s hem, asking permission silently. “I figured you were going to snap at some point.”

I raise my arms so he can pull the shirt off. I let him toss it next to me, and then I let him unbutton my pants and pull those off my legs, too. “I’m sorry.”

“No need to be sorry,” Torian says as he puts the first towel down and starts drying my legs with the other one at a time. “Nobody saw you all day. Hopefully the thinking helped.”

“No, I mean …” I sigh and lower my eyes to my lap. “I’m sorry for picking a fight.”

“Again, no need. I won, didn’t I?”

I give a hiccup that might’ve been a laugh. I can’t be sure. Still, Torian sits down and finishes with both feet and calves, and moves up to my thighs. “I’ll try not to touch anything I shouldn’t. Lana might kill me if I do.”

“Lana wouldn’t kill you. Besides, I kissed you first.”

“I can only assume things between you two aren’t going so well, if I’m your choice for a smooch.”

“It’s not going …  _badly_  …” I admit as I lift a leg so he can get underneath it with the towel. “We just …” I sigh. “We don’t have a ton of time for each other. Like I told you this morning. She wasn’t in bed last night.”

“Because of the map?”

“She’s desperate to find a trace of Theron somewhere across the galaxy. And now we’ve gotten a lead. But it’ll take weeks to get set up and prepared enough to shuttle down. Theron’s had a lot more time.”

“At least Vowrawn’s coming tomorrow. Time to ask him for advice and aid, given Acina doesn’t catch wind.”

“I sure hope so. We used to be on friendly terms - but this many years can change a man, I suppose,” I say. I wave it off. Torian moves on to my hips and waist. “I’m still convinced that Lana’s more worried about finding Theron than she is about me. And I don’t doubt  _why_ , I just doubt for how long. I worry that Theron’s going to come back and she’s going to be all over him.”

“Nobody said that your situation was easy, Eden.”

“A relationship like this was never going to be easy. But I agreed to it because I cared so deeply about Lana. And because Theron was so close, and I wanted him to be happy,” I close my eyes. “Now it all seems so pointless. I feel like a third wheel in my own bedroom. I feel left out.”

“Hence the kiss.”

“Yes. Hence the kiss.”

We go silent for a while. He’s moved to my ribs, and my breasts. It’s not exactly …  _comfortable_  to let him dry me like this, with his hands so close, but I can’t muster the energy to do it myself, and I do sort of … like it. I’d never say it aloud, but I do.

Truth is, things have been falling apart for a while. Ever since Valkorian fell, and my attention went to the Alliance. Day in and day out, I was spending my energy on this organization, putting in hours and hours each day to try and keep it stable and alive, to try and muster some kind of impact on the galaxy. Even before the Republic and Empire had started their war. Getting the message that they’d declared war had sunk a pit into my stomach, or so I’d thought. Truth was it, it’d been there ever since I had learned the truth within my own mind. The truth I had repeated aloud to nobody, not even to Lana and Theron. Only to one person, now - and he’d been just as mute.

I feel Torian free his hand from the towel and brush a finger against one of the scars on my ribs. “You had a decent name among Mandalorians, you know,” he muses. “’Beskar for Ribs’, they’d call you. I only learned how real that was after I joined the Alliance, remember?” he stops. Pulls back. “If you hadn’t deserted the Republic, I would’ve sworn you were Mando-born.”

“I’m sure that’s rare,” I say. “Torian, I killed Vitiate.”

… I’m not sure what I expected from saying it aloud. He certainly stops in place, at least. And then he looks up at looks at me with big, blue eyes.

“… that … was not the turn I was expecting. Alright. You killed the Emperor?”

“At least he said so,” I tell him, “But Marr confirmed it. I saw his spirit earlier today and had a word with him. Marr may be dead, but he was still my master.”

“He says? You don’t know?”

“I have no memory of it. I want to look into it, but with the Alliance, I’m just too busy.”

“Ah.” Torian returns to drying me off. First one arm, then the other, and my shoulders. “Well, then. Maybe after the war is over? Or maybe after we deal with whatever group Theron’s kicking along with.”

“Maybe,” I say. “I hadn’t told him or Lana about it. You’re the only person I’ve told.”

“Who else knows?”

I bite at my lip. That’s … a good question. I’d certainly proposed ideas to Marr, but it’d been hard enough getting him to confirm anything to begin with. I finally lean back a little, and look up at the sky through the tree’s canopy. The stars are bright tonight, at least. I can barely count them even in my small patch of sky.

“… some of the Dark Councillors, who served years ago … they might know. Vowrawn, maybe. Maybe I can ask him. Maybe after we figure out what the hell to do with this war.”

“Alright. You want me in on that conversation?”

“… yeah. Torian, I want you there. There aren’t many people who can handle me when I’m worked up. Given you only got a black eye for your efforts, I’d say you did okay.”

“Then you can count me in,” Torian says. He puts a hand to my chin, and I start. He lowers my face to his, and his gaze is intense enough that I nearly jump. “Eden, there’s only one more thing.”

I gulp. He’s sorta freaking me out, looking so intense. It makes my heart thud. “Y-Yes?”

“… in the future,” he says, reaching out and dropping the towel on my head, “Give me a warning before you kiss me,” he pulls back with half a grin, “And do the explaining for me. I may not have any commitments, but you  _do_ , and the last thing I want is an angry Sith lord and a spy on my tail.”

I snort, and reach up to keep the towel on my head. “It won’t happen again,” I say. “I promise.”

“Don’t start making promises yet,” he says as he reaches for his towel and finally gets up. He gathers my clothes from the forest floor and stands up with all of it in his arms. “I’ll wash them in my room. Less questions that way. You staying out here another few minutes, or you coming with?”

“Ah …” I give him a weak smile. “I’ll stay out a little longer. The sky’s pretty tonight.” I look back down at my legs. “Torian … thank you. Again. And as always.”

“Never a problem for you, Eden. Make it back safe,” he bids.

I sense him walk away. Up the path, into the base, and gone from my psyche.

That’s as long as I let myself have before I let his words flood my mind, and the heat in my chest finally emerge properly. I shut my eyes.

At least this time I was going to have a warm bed, but I don’t know anymore who I’ll be thinking of when I go to sleep.


End file.
